When Summer Ends
Supporting ADHD Kids (and Yourself) Through Fall Transitions
I’ll be honest…I don’t love this time of year here in the Pacific Northwest. The earth is parched, the grass is brown, the fire danger is high, and the spiders are everywhere… And then I realize it’s also getting dark earlier which reminds me that the winter dark is approaching. Sigh. I actually love winter, but I do not like the dark. But more on this in a couple of weeks. Right now I want to focus on transitions.
Being an ADHD parent of ADHD kiddos can bring up additional unique challenges for this transition from summer into fall.
So I’ve scraped together some of my best tips for making it through:
For parents with school age kids
The shift from summer’s more flexible schedule to the rigid school year can be jarring and kids, especially older kids may be getting used to having a bit more autonomy in the summer which makes instilling routines, managing schedules, and assisting with executive function and increased stress a delicate dance. Try to approach it as a team member instead of a boss.
To the extent you can, involving your kiddos in rebuilding the level of structure that is right for them
Start the transition a little before school starts especially around sleep and perhaps food prep.
Make sure your kiddo has the tools they need to succeed. From school supplies, to knowing who to ask when they need help, to providing a coach for them
Setting up supports and accommodations at school- There are many folks WAY more knowledgeable than me out there to talk to this, but I will say that school counselors can be empowering superstars or they can be condescending nightmares. No matter who they are personally, they are all overworked - in Portland they often have caseloads of upwards of 600 kiddos. So start the process early, know your kiddos needs and their rights, and be prepared to work with your kiddo to make sure they receive the agreed upon accommodations.
Emotions may also run high during these transitions. The kiddos are getting new teachers, and sometimes whole new schools and classmates. This can cause a lot of stress for them at a time when your stress levels may already be high. And this is such an opportunity for you to show your kiddo they are seen. Offer support and a listening ear, ask them if they need you to just listen or if they need help solving a problem. And share with them your own regulation struggles (where appropriate) and the healthy tools you use to manage them.
And all of this is a big push for you as a parent who also experiences ADHD. Try to set your own systems up as you help your kiddo do the same. Make lists. Break projects into small tasks. Choose the first tiny step. And use tools like timers. Take care of yourself by getting enough sleep, hydration, nutrition, and movement.
For Parents with college-age kids
We have a full year to go before we have to send Alex off to college, and I’m already so excited for him, and worried about him, and excited for my freedom, and anticipating a true feeling of grief as we send him off into the world. And for many of my friends and family- that time is now.
The first year of college is notoriously tough on ADHD kids. They are moving from a supportive and managed environment to a free-for-all. There are many fewer safety nets available and not as many warnings if catastrophe approaches. Yet this is such an important developmental process. It’s important to strike a balance between allowing them to fly away and also being sure they are doing so with the tools they need to succeed. Oh, and it might be a little tough on you too.
Here’s some tips that may help calm the seas of impending change:
Focus on what systems worked in the past and share them as suggestions - not requirements
Make sure your kiddo knows their rights around accommodation, where to ask for those accommodations, and offer some suggestions as to how to follow through and use them.
Establish regular check in rhythms. Some kids are going to want to talk to you every day. Some kids (I anticipate Alex will be one of these) won’t notice if they go a month without talking to you. That said, it’s important to keep in touch. Perhaps outline your reasonable (not micromanagey) expectations around communication before they head out.
As exciting as it is for your kiddo, they are also afraid and stressed (whether they show it or not). They are leaving behind their entire known life and moving into a great unknown adventure. If they choose to talk about their concerns with you, as always, be available as a listening ear and ask them what they need and want before launching into problem solving.
Managing the financial strain of having a kid in college is really challenging. If you're managing college expenses, tuition deadlines, or helping coordinate their living situation, use the same tools that work for your own ADHD management. Set up automatic payments where possible and use shared digital tools for tracking important dates. If you haven’t already, you may want to seek out a financial advisor to help you and your kiddo manage the financial realities of college life.
And things will be a little overwhelming for you. There are a lot of emotions and a lot of details…The huge logistical effort (paired with the emotions) can cause ADHD hyperfocus and/or freeze. Create lists and timelines, but build in flexibility. Don't aim for perfection in their preparation - "good enough" is truly good enough. Your kiddo will adapt and find what they need. This is what you raised them for and what they were made for.
Did I mention this will be an emotional time? How do you protect your general emotional wellbeing? You’ve been caring for this human day in and day out for the better part of your adult life. You’ve been watching them grow and morph into the near-adult they are now. And then you just have to let them go. Yes, most likely the teenage years have helped you adjust to (and maybe even look forward to) this moment, and it is still a huge change. And you will have big feelings. And because you have ADHD, these big feelings feel even bigger.
Give yourself a break. Feel the feelings. Do what you need to do to sit in them for a moment and accept them. Don’t judge yourself for having them. Feelings are important and they tell us important things…like a whole era of your life is (sort of) over. Taking this time will help you process and figure out what is next for you.
And don’t forget to celebrate it! Look at what you did! You grew this human inside your own body (if you’re the bio-mom). Then you nurtured that little helpless thing with all the poops and pukes and bubbles and coos and smiles. You ushered it through and kept it safe as it learned how to walk and talk and have relationships and go to school, and cross streets, and drive a car, and stay out late at night. And you allowed them to stretch their wings and make mistakes and you were there for them when they did. And you still will be. But in a different way now. But just take a step back and look at that amazing human!
Identity shifts- Your whole world revolved around being a parent. And now it’s not. You’re shifting from a managing role to a consulting role. That’s a lot to get used to. How are you going to use your time? How are you going to fill your brain with new things so the old parenting things don’t haunt you? How are you going to rediscover that part of yourself that you had to put aside for all these years?
Oh, and relationship shifts- This isn’t just a new dynamic for you, but also for your partner and your life together. ADHD can affect communication and emotional processing, so be patient as you both adjust. Consider ADHD informed couples counseling if you're struggling to reconnect or if old patterns resurface without children as buffers.
Managing the grief and excitement paradox. It’s totally ok and normal to be excited about this new phase in your life. And it’s totally ok and normal to grieve the metamorphosis of your baby. Change is inevitable and generally good. And change frequently leaves a little sadness behind, and that is good too.
No matter where you are in the late summer season of transition, remember that all these transitions are processes, not events. Give yourself permission to adjust gradually and seek support when needed, whether from friends, ADHD coaches and therapists, ADHD support groups, and books, blogs, or podcasts.
By the way, there are coaches out there who specialize in being a parent to ADHD kids of all ages - my colleague Lucinda Bowman is one of those amazing coaches. You can find her here.
And of course, if you want support in managing your own transitions and systems, you can find me here.